Dear Stary Eyed,

We Are Works in Progress

Oh, please. Most prisoners never rehabilitate.

I am a strong believer in an individual's ability to change. Every time I look at someone with a bit of a judgmental eye, I remind myself that they, like I, am a work in progress. One of the greatest gifts of living in a relatively prosperous society at a relatively prosperous time is that we get to spend time thinking about continuous self-improvement rather than just survival.

You May Have Changed His View of the Future

So, I do think it is possible that your communication with your pen pal has given him the opportunity to look at his past, present, and future and figure out what choices he should make today to create the future he wants. It also seems likely that his idea of the future he wants has shifted since he met you.

Things That Prevent Change

The thing that holds people back from making the changes they desire is the skills, tools, and support to do so. Keep in mind that while you may have become the most important influence on your pen pal's life, there are many more influences around him all the time.

Questions To Ask Him

Here are the questions to ask yourself (and to ask him):

1. Is there adequate counseling available in prison that will help your pen pal recognize what led him to criminal activity in the past and develop strategies towards avoiding those influences in the future?
   
   
2. Is there job training available so that when he leaves prison he will have skills needed to support a more stable, family friendly life?
   
   
3. Has he fully acknowledged and taken responsibility for the past?
   
   
4. Does he understand the responsibilities involved in a family and can he develop a support system to help him meet these responsibilities?
   
   
5. Will there be a support system (including but NOT limited to you, Starry Eyed) when he leaves prison?
   
   
6. Does he understand the challenges he will face in making a life change, particularly with a record to explain to every potential employer? Does he realize that these challenges will not be just to his career, but also to his ego, pride, and sense of self?

My Fiancé Has a Criminal Record

A criminal record is quite different from a prison sentence.

I actually have been in a similar (although not exactly the same) situation. When we were first dating (my fiancé was 18 and I was 20) my fiancé did a REALLY stupid college prank, got caught, and ended up with a criminal record.

Hard To Find Employers

While it doesn't impact our lives much on a daily basis, it does come up as we talk about potential moves, career changes, job changes, etc. My fiancé is in a really lucrative field and has several friends who have changed jobs several times for salary "upgrades". But he can't do that – he has found an employer who accepts his past and it is unlikely that he will find the same with other employers.

Shame and Loss of Pride

There is shame and loss of pride involved, even though his behavior has completely changed (of course – no 25 year old acts the same as they did when they were 18!!).

This is just one example of how your pen pal will be impacted in the future. So he needs to be thinking NOW about how he is going to deal with these issues in the future.

– Judith