Dear Panel,

I am Vance, a very sarcastic, sexy (sarcasm) male who has a weight problem.

I Like Stuff That Men Like

I like strippers and all that good stuff that men like! I like to tease people and I like all women, there are some so fine they just blow me away.

If she's so hot, what makes you think that she would have anything to do with you? You are living in a fantasy world.

Kristy claims that I have problems. She's really hot, like very, very, very hot. Hottest 14 year old I ever saw. 1 problem though: she went out with my cousin.

She Befriended Me

I have a cousin named Brandon. Brandon had this hot, hot, hot, chick named Kristy. She "befriended" me. She talked to me, although she didn't seem all that interested. She was fun to talk to, then her and Brandon broke up and stuff and she cried to me because they went out for a long time and they really liked each other.

Oh please! This letter is SO fake.

She was really involved with our family. My whole family liked her. She sang to us all the time, she's a damn good singer. It's weird because she still does stuff with all of us.

Now Brandon and her are like over over and stuff. Brandon is going out with this shithead that we all hate, but whatever.

I Was Just Trying To Make Her Feel Better

But I'm not mad because you said you were joking – I'm mad because you said you loved me.

Anyway, I was messing with her and telling her that she was like the perfect girl for me and stuff to make her feel better. Now she won't talk to me cause I told her that I was joking.

You're a liar!

Can't people take jokes these days?

Why is she so grumpy?

– Sarcastic Vance

Male, age 19, Canada