Dear Troubled,

Why are you wondering and worrying about his girlfriend that died? You don't really explain that. Maybe you haven't thought about it.

Bottling Up His Feelings

There are several reasons you might be wondering and worried about her – two that come to mind are

• that you are either worried that he is comparing you unfavorably to someone who is no longer around, OR
• that you are worried that he keeps his feelings bottled up.

I'm going to assume the second – that what you are really worried about is him rather than yourself.

Empathize with Him

Empathy would be a great way to stop worrying and wondering about the dead girlfriend. Have you mentioned to him that you worry about her and that you feel like you don't understand his loss? Have you tried to talk to him about your own loss (when your parents divorced, you lost your family as you knew it) and how that effected you?

How did members of your family deal with that loss? Did you talk about it? Did talking about the loss help you understand and deal with it? If so, you might want to share that experience with him. It might help for him to realize that talking about things makes at least a little more comfortable and familiar.

Talk to Others About Her

No need to talk to others. She should make it comfortable for HIM to talk to her about it.

Are there people around who knew your boyfriend's former girlfriend? A great gift that someone can give a person who lost someone close is to say "I remember your girlfriend, and she was really special. It was horrible to lose her so young". It helps the person know that they are not the only one experiencing a loss.

It doesn't mean that they are living in the past – it means that they are accepting the past and how it affects the present. You might want to talk to people from your boyfriend's family or long time friends about his former girlfriend – ask them about her and how you can help your boyfriend remember her fondly without regrets.

You Have To Work Hard To Communicate

If you and he can learn to talk about this, it will be a great start to improved communication in your relationship. It will take practice since among both your sets of parents, you don't have the best communication role models. You will essentially have to invent communication styles for yourself. If you work hard and aren't afraid of hard topics, you should be fine.

– Judith