Dear Anonymous,

There are two things that are vital for a relationship to work:

1. Respect, and
2. Open, honest, bi-directional communication

I must say that I admire your ex for having the gumption to stick to his guns in the face of a female willing (wanting?) to sleep with him.

Why Him?

I am assuming that you knew that he didn't want to have sex before he was married fairly early on in the relationship. If this is indeed the case, why did you hang for 3 years? I mean, come on, there are lots of guys, some of them even nice and sweet, out there who are perfectly willing to sleep with a girl.

Getting Physical without Sex

OK, so you say that you hung on because the guy was genuinely nice, and you really thought that you were in love with him. Why push the issue of sex? If everything else was going fine, and you two cared about each other, then what's the big deal on waiting or not? There are lots and lots of ways to express love that have nothing to do with the physical, and there are lots and lots of ways you can get physical without having sex.

Pain on the Wedding Night

I'll give you this in your favor: if you have never had sex before, waiting until your wedding night presents one problem: Pain. It can certainly detract from the fun and the pleasure of it.

You Owe Him the Truth

No way. It's none of his business.

I don't think that telling him should be an issue if you both have respect for yourselves and each other. You aren't obligated to tell him. However, in this day and age of STDs and AIDS, you owe him the truth. That's both communication and respect bound up in one.

Secrets Cause Problems

What's the big secret? She did nothing wrong.

If you do decide to get back together, and you think that something long term might come of it, having a secret like that from him can cause real problems.

True, open and honest communication is important, but her problem is that he says "no" to sex.

Open and honest communication doesn't mean that, should you marry this guy, you have to compare him to those two. It means that he should know that you slept with them and that there's no secret about it.

Respect His Decision

That's right. She should move on if he can't accept her choices.

Don't expect him to change his ways now that you've lost your viriginity. He was able to say "no" before, I'm quite sure that he can still say "no" to you. Getting back into this relationship could very well mean that you won't be "getting any" for a good long time. Talk to him about it. Don't try to persuade him to sleep with you; respect his decision, and make sure that he respects yours. Just be honest.

Good luck!

Live simply, simply live,
– Jennae