Mr. Unsure,

Changing Your Religious Life

There are many things to take into account when deciding to participate in religious life:

• There is how you feel about the basic concepts of the religion (i.e., a deity, the principles, etc.).
  
  
• Then there is how you feel about how the religion is practiced by whatever organization is practicing it.
  
  
• Finally, there is how the religious practices will effect your life, including your relationships.

It sounds like you have ambivalent feelings about at least the last two, and possibly the first. It is all right to feel ambivalent; I think most people do, whether they admit it or not.

However, if you acknowledge your ambivalence, you will have the opportunity to act in a way that will allow you to discuss this ambivalence with others and perhaps learn new things about religion (or lack thereof).

Let Her Know You're Ambivalent

What this means for you is you should let your girlfriend know that you feel ambivalent, are willing to continue to learn more, but are unwilling to commit to any religion at this point.

It's Hard, But I Did It

As for her stubbornness, I have that tendency as well. My fiancé and I had A LOT of discussions about religion when we first got engaged (I'm Jewish, he is not religious). Most of my stubbornness came from a fear of the unknown and of disappointing my parents and not living up to expectations I had for myself. I wasn't able to stop being so stubborn until my fiancé let me know that my inability to see his point of view was putting our entire relationship at risk.

That (while making me very mad at first) helped me to spend time reflecting about what was really important to me – going along in the path I had assumed was right or committing to our relationship together and navigating a new path as a couple. I chose option #2.

It was really hard and I even had to spend some time mourning the loss of what I thought I would be. We had a very rough couple of months. After we came through it, we were able to begin making plans for our future that we BOTH created, not just me, and I was very grateful.

If you can begin talking to your girlfriend by acknowledging your ambivalence and then asking her to be understanding about your feelings, you may have the opportunity to work through things in the same way we have. It might help if you let her know that you understand it will be hard for her! That helped me when working through it with my fiancé.

– Judith