Answers:

Dear Lovetorn,

We'd like to start off our response by separating some facts from feelings. We are getting the impression that your feelings are altering your views of the facts and may actually change some facts.

Just the facts, Ma'am.

He Sounds Like a Good Guy

A good guy? He won't talk about her concerns.

Facts about your fiancé (your words): Great guy, treats you well, best you've ever had, you care for and have even loved him. So far, so good. This sounds a lot like Heather's initial impression of me! (Just kidding.)

Facts about your timeline: Engaged after three months. Wedding any day now. Still not categorically a bad thing. I proposed to Heather six weeks after we met. Our wedding was five months later and we've been happily married for over six years now. (How many other couples are working this relationship website?)

You're the Problem

Facts about you: "(yadda, yadda, yadda)... burned from a previous marriage to a noncommittal guy...(yadda, yadda, yadda)" WHOA!!!! Stop the presses! You quickly skipped over the problem. It's not the guy or the calendar, it's you.

You're Not Ready

She's not the whole problem. Why won't HE listen?

He's not the problem, time is not the problem (it seems to be exacerbating it, though), YOU are the problem. You are not ready for commitment because you've never seen it in action. You may be feeling that you are not good enough for this guy. You've already stated that you don't want to hurt him and that you may not be giving him what he deserves.

Delay the Wedding, But Don't Call It Off

Haven't you been reading the questions we get? She should cancel and prevent the torment.

Sure, the wedding is looming and as it approaches you find yourself more and more questioning. If you loved him once and he's never done anything to make you love him less, your insecurities are actually crowding out your real feelings. That doesn't necessarily mean that you don't still love this guy. It only means that you're paying more attention to your feelings of inadequacy. Delay the wedding, don't call it off.

Currently, you are in no position to say, "Yes" to the second most important decision you will ever make (Wait 'til you have kids and you'll know what we mean!). You need to delay this wedding until you get your dust to settle. Don't call it off because that would be just as bad as going through with what you consider to be an ill-conceived idea.

Sit down with your fiancé and tell him your feelings. Even though you "tried to air [your] feelings", it doesn't count if he doesn't hear it. You MUST communicate what you're going through. If he loves you, he'll listen. Again, we recommend you work on separating the facts from the feelings. You need both but you also need to be able to distinguish them.

We listed the facts above and have included below our understanding of your feelings:

• You are uncomfortable with commitment
• You are afraid of making a mistake
• You don't want to hurt him
• The quick time line makes the discomfort even worse
• He is the best thing that ever happened to you
• You love him but your insecurities are making those feelings take a back seat
• You need time and understanding to get you back to where you want to be: with him

Don't Rush

It sounds like you've found a great guy and could be very happy together. We hope that you take the necessary time to make that happiness possible. Rushing into even a potentially fantastic relationship without understanding your feelings could cause more problems than you know.

We Gambled

We didn't follow any of the advice we've written here but have been blessed that our marriage has turned out as wonderfully as it has. Ours was a gamble that paid off; you've gambled before and crapped out. Place the dice back on the table and reconsider.

Best of luck.

– Brad & Heather

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