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Dear Lovetorn,
Well, you're in quite a pickle, aren't you? The first thing that
came to my mind is that this is an example of how we should be careful
of what we wish for. Don't think that I don't feel your anguish,
because I do. It's terrible to get what you want, then not be sure
if you want it.
I think maybe your pain from your first husband is making it hard
to see your fiancé, and your feelings about him, realistically.
You are right, however, to be concerned that he isn't addressing
your feelings. The thing that is making this difficult is that you
don't have a lot of time to come to a decision.
Why Won't He Listen?
It is bothering me that he doesn't seem willing to discuss your
reservations. Did you let him know how serious they are? Do you
feel that he tries to ignore your feelings when they are contrary
to his own? I think it is very important to find out how you both
react to disagreements.
Are you afraid to force the issue because you are afraid of losing
him? Try to remember that you shouldn't be afraid of losing something
you didn't want in the first place. And unless you are willing to
put his desires before yours from now on, you shouldn't accept this
situation. It wouldn't be honest about what the nature of your marriage
will be, and that's not fair to either one of you.
Fear of Marriage
The other thing that this could be is a general fear of marriage
because of your divorce, an extreme case of pre-wedding jitters.
I've never been in your situation, so I don' t know how that works.
Fear of making another horrible mistake could be behind this, making
you unable to really devote yourself and totally trust again. This
is something that you also should discuss with your fiancé.
He could say something that could put your fears to rest. It is
understandable to me, and should be to him, that the last thing
you want to do is make another mistake. It is no reflection on him,
but once bitten, twice shy.
Remember though, this man is not your first husband. Don't put
things on him that he had nothing to do with. On the other hand,
you should be able to discuss ANY issue that you think is important
with the man you are about to marry and not think that your feelings
are being brushed aside.
I know I have raised more questions than I have answered, but I
hope they help you think things through. I wish you had more time
to decide.
Think About Postponing the Wedding
Maybe you should think about postponing until you can. The wasted
money and embarrassment will be worth it if you can marry him later
because you really want to, rather than because you feel you don't
have a choice. That could poison what might be a good relationship
that could work out given more time.
Good luck either way. Let us know what you do.
– Patra
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