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Angel Face,
The short answer is this:
Depends on the State
First, from a legal standpoint, you may or may not have been raped:
it depends on the state you're living in.
Legal Definition Doesn't Matter
Second, it doesn't matter what the legal definition is. Using the
broad meaning of the term "rape", yes you were. You were
violated, abused emotionally and sexually. You might be experiencing
the classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, which occurs
with many survivors of abuse. More on that in a minute.
You're Not Alone
Third, in my opinion, this kind of stuff happens to a lot of girls
and women, especially when you're first getting involved with guys.
You're not alone.
Here's the longer response:
It's Our Nature to "Make Nice"
I think a lot of us have felt, or even still feel, that we need
to do what a guy asks/demands sexually. We don't want to disappoint,
we don't want to lose the guy, we tend to avoid confrontations,
it's in our nature to "make nice"... for all sorts of
reasons.
Especially when you're first learning how to use your sexuality,
or how your sexuality can be used, it's real tempting to "go
with the flow" with guys. You often think that what they want
is just fine with you, even if it's really not.
But that's a little different than what happened to you. You probably
started out wanting to be with Bob, and to be at this party, and
you wanted to impress him. But then...
What matters in this experience is that you had control taken away
from you by this guy. You had your "You" taken away. That's
a horribly scary experience, as anyone who's been through it knows.
The effects of it can last for awhile.
Get Some Healing
What you can do to help yourself is not minimize what happened
to you, even though this crap happens to lots of girls and women.
Take this seriously – as seriously as you would if you had
a heart problem.
Talk to someone who can help you deal with the experience in a
kind, helpful way. It may be a parent, a friend's parent, someone
you call at a Rape Hotline. But talk to someone about it. You'll
learn that what happened to you isn't your fault. You're not bad.
This experience doesn't turn you into a bad person, a slut, or a
party girl.
Don't Be Afraid To Act on Your Instincts
You have also learned an important life lesson the very hard way:
be clear with yourself about what you want, communicate it clearly,
and trust your instincts. You felt things were heading the wrong
way, but you didn't feel you could or should get the hell out. Turns
out, you were right.
In the future, don't be afraid to act on those instincts.
No Obligation
And if you don't want some guy to finger you, even though it's
fine for you to sit in his lap or make out, say so. You're NEVER
under any obligation to do anything sexually that you're not comfortable
with. It doesn't mean you won't ever be hurt, but it will help you
avoid hurt in certain situations. When it comes to you and your
body, YOU and only you should decide what goes and what doesn't.
Don't ever believe that you "owe" a guy sex for anything.
It's Not your Fault
And one more time, because it's important for you to believe; this
was not your fault. You felt you lost the ability to choose for
yourself what you wanted to do. You were in a position where you
couldn't say 'no'. You were terrified by his words and actions.
He threatened you with a knife.
It doesn't matter if he knew he was kidding – it made you
scared enough that you felt you had no choice but to do what he
said. He got you in a position where you couldn't move, and did
stuff to you that you didn't want him to do. You have been victimized.
It's not your fault.
The sooner you get some help in dealing with this issue, the sooner
it will feel better. You'll move on, and grow and learn.
Take care
– Linda
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