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Dear Confused,
Sigh. Family dynamics are something that, alas, we all have trouble
with. It is something that we know may be difficult going to the
relationship, and sometimes, our worst fears can come true.
His Problems with His Mother Are Not Yours
Your husband's feelings about his mother and sister are his to
deal with. It does make things difficult when things are not steady
and sure, and I understand the difficulty in a love/hate relationship.
I have one with my mother.
I Totally Avoided My Mother
A suggestion that seemed to work for me (and may not work for everyone)
is I completely and totally avoided my mother while I came to grips
with my feeling towards her. I avoided all conversation with her
as much as is possible when you live in the same house.
It was extreme and I know that I hurt her feelings by doing it.
I needed the time to think, and not fight and argue with her. Eventually,
we resumed talking and I think that we are better off now. We still
fight, and argue, but I now know what I can and cannot talk to her
about.
Set Your Limits with Her
Which is what, I suspect, you and your husband need to figure out.
You have to find out where your limits are with her. Everyone needs
people to talk to about things that bother them, and we like to
think that we can confide in our parents. Sometimes, that's not
the case. Look around, and see if there's a friend or other relative
that you could trust to keep your confidences. We are social creatures
and we need to socialize and vent our frustrations.
She violated your trust when she discussed with others private
matters that you confided in her. Most people know when they are
being told something that does not bear repeating.
Everyone has a reasonable expectation of privacy. This was blatantly
ignored and your expectation not met when your mother-in-law went
through the voicemail. Who you talk to is your business, and not
hers.
I hope that you immediately changed your password and learned that
if everyone was jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, you don't have
to follow them. You also might want to inform your co-workers of
your trouble (discreetly, of course) and suggestion to the administration
that changing the password should be made mandatory.
Report Her
I assume that your mother-in-law is not working there with you
anymore from your letter, but remember, relative or not, you could
report her. What she was doing was wrong wrong wrong.
Your Mother-in-Law Was the More Grievous Offender
I will point out that your daughter was in the wrong for going
through her grandmother's things. Bearing that in mind, I think
that your mother-in-law was the more grievous offender.
Confronting Her Will Strain the Relationship
I don't think that it's a good idea to confront your mother-in-law
or your sister-in-law about the voicemail or the email. This will
only strain what seems to be an already strained relationship. While
this has pissed you off to no end, I suggest making sure that you
have password that she can't guess and don't tell her anything that
you and your husband deem highly sensitive and private.
Keep It Cordial
My suggestion is, keep it cordial. "Hi, how yah doin'? Yeah,
the kids are great. Nice weather we're having, isn't it?",
and make sure that her nose is no where near your private business.
Lux et Pax,
– Jennae
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