Dear Confused In Texas,

What I am going to suggest is going to be very, very uncomfortable in the short term, but will hopefully have better results than occasional blow-outs, then recurrences of your "issues", followed by additional blow-outs.

Confront Her After You've Calmed Down

She's not worth it. They should just avoid her like I did to my mother.

This situation calls for direct confrontation. Not when you are fuming or steaming, but when you have had the chance to relax, calm down, and plan out what you are going to say.

Identify the Problem

More important than identifying the problem is deciding what they want from her.

What is the central problem in this case?

• Is it the invasion of your privacy?
• Is it feeling like you were being spied on while the family was in tension?
• Or is it the history of bad blood between your husband, his sister, and mother, and including you?

In addition to identifying the central issue, what do you hope the outcome is?

Exclude Your Children from This Matter

Sit down with your husband and his mother. Don't include your children or any other children, this is an adult issue. You may want to include Anna or you may want to talk to her separately OR you may just want your mother-in-law to pass on the information. Tell them you have something important to talk about and your hope is that after you talk about it you can begin to build a better relationship (or end the relationship, if that is your hope, although I doubt it based on the fact that you found it important to make up before).

Keep It General

Give your husband a chance to also express his hopes. Then tell them what you had a problem with, what the central issue is. I would keep it general (i.e., "It hurts me when I feel like I can't trust you", rather than "You should've never told Auntie M about that personal financial thing we told you"). By being more general and talking about your feelings, the conversation has the chance to move along and actually result in something other than finger pointing, blaming, and getting stuck.

Then you simply repeat your hope and ask if they have a way to work towards it. Ask if there is anything that they hope for.

Good Adult Relationships Take Work

This is fine, assuming her mother-in-law WANTS a relationship. What if her MIL just hates her?

This may sound very pie-in-the-sky, and you'll have to realize that this is just a first step rather than a solution to your problem. Good adult relationships take work, especially if the foundation is shaky. But I have to tell you, as scary as direct confrontation is (you probably will have butterflies on the specific day), it is worth it. You probably know this from being a social worker.

Interestingly, I had to have a similar conversation with my grandmother recently. The issue wasn't as upsetting. We have a good relationship. But I was still scared. I am SO happy I did have the conversation, though. Not only did it solve the issue I was concerned about, but now I feel more comfortable being honest with my grandmother about other things.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

– Judith