Answers:

Dear Little Rainbow Girl:

It's Not Your Fault

You have a right to be afraid, and you must take action immediately. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Always REMEMBER that!

Unfortunately, your mother may not understand, and may even be in denial, and claim either that you are lying, to the extreme that you are actively trying to seduce your stepdad from her by the way you dress and behave. THIS IS NOT TRUE, and I hope this is NOT your mother's reaction, but sadly it does happen.

Stay with Another Family Member

You might want to see about staying with another family member, or even at a close friend's home, until this situation has been dealt with, because you may be at risk in your home from a sexual predator. You are almost defenseless against an older man who has more than stealing your underwear in mind.

He Let You Know He Stole Your Underwear

He has already proven, by the way he looks at you, and by intentionally letting you see that he has stolen your intimate clothing (exactly HOW did you find your underwear in his briefcase? I take it you don't make a habit of going through your stepfather's things, so we can safely assume that he PURPOSELY wanted you to find your clothing in his personal belongings) that he is a very sick man and is interested in you sexually to some degree, if only from a distance. Were he only interested in your underclothing, he would never have allowed you to find it in his possession!!!!

And I always say, go with your intuition. If he SCARES you, he IS SCARY!!!!

See Your School Counselor

School counselors and clergy are required to report child abuse, which may not be a step she's ready for.

Your mother must be told, but perhaps you can go to a close relative like a grandparent or aunt to approach your mother with you. Or to your priest, rabbi or minister. And definitely go to your school counselor right away and tell him or her about your feelings and your experience with your underwear.

It is pretty obvious that your stepdad WANTED you to fiind your underwear in his briefcase – unless it is your usual practice to search his briefcase, which I rather doubt, and this is something you should point out to your counselor as well.

Perhaps it is appropriate to go to a State or County social services department – how unsafe do you feel in your own home?

Make Sure He's Not Around

Some may say, try talking to your mom first, which is certainly one of your choices. But if your relationship is already stressed (although what Teenager/Mom relationship ISN'T??) that might be almost as scary as the situation you are in. If you do decide to speak to your mom before approaching outside family or counselors, be sure you have somewhere you can go for the day/evening, in case there is a blow up. And be certain stepdad is not in the house when you talk to her.

Act Immediately

There are certain steps you can take at home IMMEDIATELY:

• First, make sure your door is locked when you go to bed or use the bathroom. You should have a keylock put on so that you can lock your room when you are not home so that he has no access to your things.
  
  
• Second, make sure you are not alone in the house with him, ever.
  
  
• Third, make sure you are fully clothed and covered up whenever you walk around the house – don't give him a cheap thrill.
  
  
• Fourth, do your own laundry from now on. It'll be good for you to learn how anyway!
  
  
• Fifth, don't let him know you are afraid. When you are in a safe place, perhaps with an adult family member or authority figure, tell him to keep his hands off your things and look at you and treat you with the respect and kind of love you deserve, as the child you should be to him, not as a sex object. That's IF you can talk to him at all. I don't know – do you feel safe living in the same house with him?

I'm 14 years old.

How old are you? What are your options OUTSIDE your home? For example, is it time next year for you to go away to college, or are you only 11 or 12? Are you old enough to be spending most of your time outside your home, or is your curfew 10 pm? How much supervision do you get – how often are you left alone with this man? How "on top of things" is your mother around the house?

Family counseling would appear to be called for as well, but if it were me, I couldn't stay in a house where I didn't know just how far a sexual predator might go. Is he simply a CONTROL FREAK getting pleasure out of scaring you with the threat of what he MIGHT do, or does he really intend to do something? Does he drink beer and sit around the house a lot? Get drunk and especially scary?

He Is Not Harmless

This man is NOT harmless even though he may never actually act on his obvious attraction to you. How can you be comfortable in your own home? That is not a healthy way to live. I wish you much mazel (luck) in your dealings with this family problem. You have many decisions to make, many of which depend on the support of your family and friends and just how old and mature you are now.

Personally, if I were you, I would take self-defense classes or find somewhere else to live, which might be the way to go with or without self-defense. There IS NO EXCUSE for his having your underclothing in his personal possession, or making you feel afraid.

– Mamala

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