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Dear NS,
You're Not Wrong To Be Hurt
First I want to tell you that I think you have a very good head
on your shoulders. I agree with all of your feelings on the subject.
He is putting sex ahead of everything, he is trying
to use your feelings for him to control you, and he is keeping
you on a back burner until someone else comes along.
You are not wrong to be hurt because the man you love only wants
to be around you for sex.
 Get
Your Heart in the Program
But you don't need me to tell you these things – you know
them already. The part you are having trouble with is getting your
heart to get with the program.
I don't know anyone who hasn't been in this situation. There are
many people in this world that prey on the emotions of others. I
am no more an expert on this than anyone else who walks the earth,
but maybe because I am older, I have dealt with this more than you.
What you have to do is get tough!! It's hard to be an adult! The
legal system is there for you if someone endangers you physically,
but you must take responsibility for your emotional safety. Those
wounds need to be taken seriously, and can take much longer to heal
than physical ones.
Treat It Like a Physical Wound
Look at it like a physical wound. If you burned your hand on a
stove, what you do is easy to figure out. You take your hand out
of the fire. You give it first aid. You don't expect it to feel
better right away, but you notice that over time it improves. And
the next time you find yourself cooking, you take every precaution
you can not to get burned. Not that you won't ever burn yourself
again – after all, you are using a stove!
The Damage Is Not Physical
OK, enough with the metaphors! What I'm saying is that you can't
begin to feel better until you stop letting him hurt you. Just because
he isn't beating you up doesn't mean that he is not damaging you.
You cannot begin to feel better until you stop seeing him.
Pamper Yourself
And once you do that you have to give yourself plenty of time to
heal. Don't rush into another relationship to validate yourself.
Be with loving friends and family. Get some new clothes or a new
hair style (never underestimate the power of shopping, just don't
get into debt!). Cook a delicious meal with candles and everything,
just for you. Rent movies that you wouldn't have watched if you
were with him, because he didn't like them. In short, PAMPER YOURSELF.
Don't Magnify Your Flaws
In a way, you are your own patient, take it seriously. And make
sure that every day you remind yourself of the good things about
yourself. After a break-up, it's very easy to start magnifying our
flaws as we try to find a reason for what has happened. And before
you know it, all day long you are saying things about yourself that
you would never be so cruel to say about anyone else.
You will love again when you are well, and not out of desperation
for attention. It will be because you have found someone wonderful
who respects and loves you. Then you will thank God that it didn't
work out with this jerk.
Good luck and get well soon.
– Patra
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