Dear Worrier,

I would never presume to tell someone from another country that they should go against their parents' or their religion and beliefs. I can only tell you of my one acquaintance who met a gentleman from India and how they handled their "International" romance. I realize that you and your guy are both in the same country. But I think this story has a similarity to your situation and may prove helpful.

My Friends' International Romance

Lynn met Sanjay at NYU, where they were both studying for their degrees. Of course, Sanjay had already begun to learn the American culture, having been in the U.S. for over two years at that point.

When their relationship started to get serious, Lynn went about learning Indian culture. She wanted to learn everything she could about Sanjay's country and it's people. She went to the library and absorbed all that she could about Sanjay's culture, religion, etc., as she wanted him to know that she was willing to share his culture, as he was sharing hers.

When I met Lynn, she and Sanjay had decided to get engaged. She was to go to India with him to visit his parents. She was very nervous about the meeting, because she did not know if they would accept her.

They Admired That She Wanted To Share His Roots

She had some problems, at first, but was soon accepted by his parents (at the very basic of levels), as they admired the fact that she truly wanted to "share" Sanjay's roots and not try to get him to forget them. She never pushed the "you're in America now" philosophy on him. She wanted to "share" his love and his cultural heritage and, yes, his family. And, she also wanted to show respect to his parents, whom he loved very dearly and try to show them that they were as important a part of her life, as they were of Sanjay's.

Although Sanjay's parents may not have been as strict as yours seem to be (in relation to "planned marriages", etc.), they appreciated her sincere efforts to try to share their culture, their religion and their lifestyle. This proved to them that she truly loved their son and respected them. And, although it still took time, for all parties to feel truly comfortable with each other, it was a good start.

Educate Him About Your Parents

I'm going to suggest something here which may seem to you to be totally impossible: I think that your boyfriend needs to meet and speak with your parents. But before he does, you need to "educate" him on your parents. He needs to be aware of the things that they feel the strongest about, as they pertain to you.

You don't fully understand her cultural constraints. If she proceeds, she may be ostracized.

I'm not saying that your guy should change the way he believes or acts to suit your parents, but he should be aware of your parents' feelings, and respect them enough to talk with them and be willing to reach a compromise with them, out of respect for them, and certainly out of respect for you.

At this point, your parents are not dealing with a real person. They are dealing with your feelings and emotions and responding with their feelings and emotions.

You are their daughter. They raised you. They know you better than anyone. And, they also know what buttons to push and how far they can go before you finally give in to their wishes.

He Needs To Meet Your Parents

The only way to convince your parents that this guy is "the one" will take effort, both on your part AND his. In order for your parents to accept your guy in any fashion, they will have to meet him and deal with him, and his feelings. Right now your parents are directing their feelings at you.

To them, this guy does not exist. They must realize that there is another party involved – in flesh and blood – a party with whom they share something in common: YOU. They need to see, first-hand, how he treats you and hear, in his own words, how he feels about you. And he needs to hear their side, as well. He needs to understand where they are coming from and respect the fact that what they say and do, they say and do out of love for you, their daughter.

Sure, it may take time, but at least it will be an honest beginning.

Find Out If It's Worth It

What this will tell you is:

1. if your guy is truly in love with you. If he is, he should be willing to try to work with your parents so that you are not "stuck in the middle" of this whole situation – a place, trust me, you do not want to be; and
2. it will be a demonstration of love for you, by both him AND your parents – that they are willing to try to come to some kind of agreement for the sake of your happiness. This, if nothing more, will tell you whether this guy is worth all of the internal struggle you've been experiencing over this whole situation and the strain that it is putting on your relationship with your parents.

They Don't Know You're in the Middle

Right now, your parents do not see you as being "in the middle" in this situation. Once they are able to talk with your guy and honestly face this third part of the triangle, they will be more in a position to see how the whole matter is affecting you. If they love you, as much as you say, they will not want to put you in this precarious position.

It's Not Fair To Have To Choose

If your boyfriend is not willing to do this or if you are afraid to have him try, then your relationship is doomed. He is the guy that you have chosen to share your love with. They are your parents, who brought you into this world. They are all important to you.

Although we may feel this way, we have to respect her culture.

You should not be put in a position where you must choose between them. That is not fair – to you, or to them.

– KP