Dear Lost in Love,

I can see in your description of your situation not one problem, but a whole slew of them, piled on top of one another.

You Blew Off His Feelings

And as much as I hate to say it, the first problem in this chain reaction began when you blew off Hector's feelings, like it was something so unimportant or immutable that it could wait indefinitely.

It's a quite commonly held belief that when a close friendship between a man and a woman develops, it is inevitable that one or the other will develop some sort of romantic feelings – sometimes, both people will develop these feelings, as you describe in your case.

You helped to create a friendship of open disclosure, and when he shared his feelings with you, he was acting well within the bounds of that friendship. Imagine how heartbroken he must have been when you ignored his feelings.

Now You're in His Shoes

But I can relate to her. I also grew up and realized I wanted my old girlfriend. I too had to stand in her shoes.

I bet you would be upset if you told him how you felt, and he just blew you off, wouldn't you? Oh, wait, that's what's happening right now! Now you're standing in the same shoes he cried in a few years ago when he told you how he felt, and you simply disregarded his feelings.

Imagine that on top of it all, on top of having this unrequited love for you, he actually has to hear the details about all the other guys who are receiving your affection instead of him! That must have been incredibly heartbreaking for him to have to endure.

I Don't Believe You're Afraid of Falling in Love

OK, so in your defense, you say that you hid your true feelings from him because you were afraid of falling in love. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it.

Get off your high horse. A lot of us are afraid of love.

Who in the hell is afraid of falling in love? You described his feelings at the time like they were some sort of plague. Most people are afraid of the exact opposite: never falling in love. No, I don't believe you for one second.

You Wanted Hector as a Backup

Here's the more likely premise: you thought that if you gave him just enough attention and just enough affection to keep him interested, you could still pursue all your other "crushes" and keep Hector as a backup just in case you hit a drought.

And then lo and behold, that dry spell arrives when you break up with Mike. Now, all of a sudden, Hector is the one with someone, and you are the one without. And now, you come to the stunning and powerful realization that you love him. Hmmm... it's funny how inequity and a lack of availability appears to make the heart grow fonder.

Thing is, after all you put him through, after all that time playing second fiddle to all these other guys you've been so intent on pursuing instead of him, Hector has finally grown some cojones, and started to pursue other people who have the decency and respect for him to put him first. Good for him.

A Taste of Your Own Medicine

Now, the tables are turned, and you're HIS backup, and it's driving you nuts. I'm not saying that two wrongs necessarily make a right, but in this case, turnabout is fair play.

You're being a bit harsh. Her boyfriend did wrong, too.

I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic; I just have no tolerance for these type of games. Hopefully, as you now choke on the bitter taste of your own medicine, you'll quickly come to realize that when you jerk people around by their heartstrings, it creates a wound that runs deep and heals very slowly, if ever.

Your "Innocent" Act Is Crap

Whoa, Shaggy! She's just a kid.

Many times in your question, you professed your innocence, explaining how things "just happened." This is total crap. Things like sex don't "just happen," nor do changes of the heart.

You need to realize that you don't operate in a vacuum, and that all of your actions will multiply in the consequent reactions other people have to you.

Grow Up

You need to grow up and take more responsibility for your actions and your deeds, and learn that other people are deserving of the same respect you wish to be treated with.

Beyond All Recognition

As for whether or not you can fix things with Hector: I think that the damage that has been done is irreparable, and that this situation is more or less FUBAR. Whatever genuine feelings of affection that did indeed exist before have most likely devolved into nothing more than a jockeying for power and control.

Move On

I agree. She should just let it go.

I suggest you take a good, long look at how and why this situation ended up the way it did, take heed of the lessons this has hopefully taught you, and move on.

– Shaggy