Dear Confused,

I would like to ask you what you're ultimately looking for in this relationship. Do you hope to end up marrying this man? Or are you content with things as they are? I get the impression that you'd like several things about your "main person" to change.

You've been with him for two years, and you've discovered that you share "many similar interests, values and culture." I would think that after two years, you know exactly the type of person he is. You know how he dresses, how he acts in certain situations, and how his manners are. He acts and dresses that way because that's the person he is.

He Thinks You're Controlling Him

You say that you've given him some "assistance" about how to dress, how to act, and to improve his manners. What you may view as assistance probably comes across as unwanted attempts to control and change him. If I were in his position, I would feel similarly offended. Don't try to dress up what you're actually doing: you're trying to control, shape, and mold him into your ideal of a man. And it's not fair of you to ask him to change like that.

Cut the Nagging

You know, now, who he is. You can either accept that, or you can choose to find someone else who is more acceptable to you. If you choose to accept him as he is, however, and I can't emphasize this enough, you have to cut out the nagging.

If you end up marrying him, but still choose to criticize him on his appearance and mannerisms, you'll make both your lives miserable. In other words, it's not just lip service. You've had long enough to see the person he is. Stop trying to change him. You can either live with him how he is, or you can try to find someone who meets your standards.

This is not a matter of the two of you being "too different." Rather, it's a matter of whether each of you can truly accept the other as they are. You will not be able to change any person into your "ideal."

Molding People Alienates Them

You might be able to find someone who comes close, but trying to mold people into your perfect mate will only end up alienating them. Keep that in mind, think about what you really want, and act accordingly.

– Aaron