Dear Confused:

You're Trying To Change Him

I honestly think you need to be real with yourself right now and admit that you ARE trying to change him. "Better" him, "refine" him – those are simply synonyms for "changing" him. WHY are you trying to better him? WHY are you trying to refine him?? Have you really stopped and asked yourself why you are doing this??

He Doesn't Feel Good Enough for You

By "refining" him, you are saying he isn't good enough. I am not surprised that your boyfriend is having difficulty feeling good about himself around you. I can't imagine anyone who would feel good about themselves when the person they love is constantly telling them how they can be better.

Everyone, including your boyfriend, wants to be loved for who they are. They want to be accepted. I am sure he isn't any different. But by your actions and your words, you are telling him that he isn't good enough for you. Whether that is the message you INTEND to give him, it's the one he's hearing. If you think he can be better, then you must not think that he's good enough for you now. Criticisms like this, after a while and some consistency, can begin to hurt and erode at your self-esteem.

How Would You Feel?

Would you ever allow a man to tell you how to dress? Would you like a man to tell you to take your elbows off the table because it was bad manners? Would you ever want a man you loved to tell you how to act, how to be? Consider the source, consider how it would make you feel if you were constantly told how to improve yourself, constantly criticized on the way you dress or your comportment. Consider that, and realize this is what you are doing to your boyfriend.

Accept Him Completely

Whether you think you are trying to do something good for him or not, you aren't. For him, for yourself or for your relationship. What you have to be willing to do is accept your boyfriend for exactly who he is. You need to be able to accept that he isn't perfect, that some of his aspects you may not agree with and decide for yourself if you can look past those things you don't like and still be with him.

Stop trying to change him, and just let him be. If he wants to change on his own, support him, love him , encourage him, but don't make him feel that he has to change to be what you want.

– Jeannie