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Dear Confused,
Before I answer the question, I need to pose some tough questions
for you:
Why do you feel he is "unrefined"?
Why has this just come up in the past year?
Different Is Not a Bad Thing
Remember that the two of you are different and always will be,
you grew up in different places, were educated in different ways,
you are XX he is XY. You are just plain different and that is NOT
a bad thing.
Anyone would feel bad about themselves and their decisions if their
partner continually pointed out flaws, better ways or their way
of doing things.
Your way is not the best way and neither is his, they are just
different. Sometimes it's better to be happy than right. Until you
accept that your relationship has no future.
Here is my input:
He Feels Rejected
You cannot change anyone except yourself, period. The #1 need in
all people including you and your partner is acceptance. The #1
fear among all people is rejection.
Accept Him
Until you go back to the beginning and accept your man for who
he is (including how he dresses and speaks) he will continue to
feel rejection from you. It doesn't matter how nicely you say "Gee
honey, wouldn't the blue shirt go better with that tie?", he
isn't hearing the suggestion, just the rejection of his idea, of
his individuality, his intellectual capital.
He is a grown man and at this point in life doesn't need or want
someone to tell him how to dress and act (he is your partner, not
your child).
You Established His Way of Doing Things for a Year
Have you acted as an agent of change? I mean think about it, you
accepted him this way from the beginning of your relationship. You
created an atmosphere that allowed him to continue in his established
way of doing things.
If you want change then you must act as an agent of change and
make the atmosphere in your relationship conducive to that. In other
words, you need to set an example by doing it yourself. We all want
to please our partners (desire for acceptance), when I see my fiancé
doing something I don't particularly like I refuse to let "You
need to, you should, you always" phrases come into the picture
and act like emotional daggers to the ego.
Set an Example
Instead, I turn it inward and ask "How can I create an example
through my self of what I would like to see in my partner?"
and "How can I adjust the atmosphere of this relationship so
that my partner strives for my acceptance?"
Once you stop nagging, take responsibility for your relationship
and strive to walk the straight and narrow you will be pleasantly
surprised to see your partner running behind your lead and eventually
surpassing your expectations (so long as they are realistic).
Different Strokes for Different Folks
My 8-year-old daughter inspired me on this answer, she loves the
show "Different Strokes" and often sings the theme song
(loudly and off key I might add). She doesn't know all the words
but she knows that it takes different strokes to rule the world,
I on the other hand need to be reminded occasionally, maybe you
do too.
Good luck, my friend – Peace.
– Stephanie
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