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Dear "Concerned with Coolness":
I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone.
I am also a firm believer that it takes time to learn what it is
that you want from a significant other, and also to learn what it
is that you GIVE to a significant other.
You Have the Right To Ask for Your Desires
You commented that your desires were shallow. Why do you think
they are shallow? Is it because the guy you are dating doesn't match
what you believe that you want? Or is it that you don't think you
have the right to ask for those things?? What may seem shallow to
one person could be a very important aspect of personality to another.
Wanting a man who is cultured and arts-minded, dresses nice and
is generous to other people are not shallow traits.
However, continuing to date a man and resent him because he doesn't
exhibit those traits isn't fair to him – or to you.
Deal Breakers Don't Make You Shallow
There are such things as "deal breakers" in any relationship:
those things about yourself that you cannot compromise on. Everyone
has them. Smoking, enjoying the same kinds of events, looking at
children the same way, whether you like the same music or not –
for whatever reason, everyone has ideas in their mind and heart
about the person that they want to be with. That does not make them
shallow.
Lousy Tippers Embarrass Me
You mentioned that your guy was a lousy tipper. For me, honestly,
it's always something that I pay attention to. It does alter the
way I look at a guy I'm dating, based on how he tips in restaurants.
I used to be a waitress ("food server" for the politically
correct). Since then, after knowing what work it is and how much
the staff depends on their tips, I tend to tip really well.
For me, it's a consideration of someone else, recognizing their
work and honoring that person. Not to mention, if I'm on a date
with someone and they are paying, if they don't tip well, I FEEL
embarrassed.
That is completely my feeling and I own responsibility for it,
but am I going to want to continue going out with someone when I
feel embarrassed about one of their habits? Eventually, the feelings
are going to be stronger – and they can cause resentment.
Public Displays of Affection
Another habit you mentioned: "gropy" affection. A friend
of mine does not feel comfortable with public displays of affection
towards guys she dates. She never has been that way, and that is
a comfort level of hers that she has every right to. For her, it's
an invasion of space and privacy and she resents it. How could that
be considered shallow?
Emotions Are Never Wrong
The point is that behind most of your idiosyncrasies lies an emotion
that fuels it. I am a firm believer that emotions are never wrong
– it's how we act on those emotions that sets the tone. Figure
out the emotion behind it, and then you will know what is important
to you.
Accept Him As-Is
However, with your current guy, you have to make the decision if
you want to stay with him, even given the things that are starting
to bother you. Figure out if you can be happy with him, as he is.
You have no right to expect HIM to change to suit YOUR needs and
your feelings. If he is happy dressing the way he does, but you
are embarrassed to be seen with him, then you need to evaluate if
you can get over your embarrassment and accept him for who he is,
not change him to suit what you want.
Determine Your Deal Breakers
You can't always choose the person you develop feelings for; you
can't always control how you feel. But you can look at your own
life, at your own personality and decide if this is someone that
you can be with. Figure out what your deal breakers are, and don't
apologize for them. Whether it be a good tipper, or someone who
can appreciate the difference between Monet and Van Gogh, you have
the right to make the choices that make you happy.
Everything boils down to how you feel about things – and why.
Figure that out, and you'll understand yourself and the guys you
date a lot more.
– Jeannie
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