Dear Panel,

I ended my last 5-month relationship with a guy I like a lot because I believed he was losing interest in me. I lied and told him that I sensed HE may want to be friends, and we should "back the relationship off a level" and aim for friendship. That was the weekend before Valentine's day!

It REALLY bothers me that I didn't want to risk the possible closure of hearing he lost interest.

He knew of my intention in the beginning to not get too tight too soon, but we got intimate rather quickly (3 weeks). Then it was his turn to say that he wanted to go slow (as it were). After nicely offering him the "door," he said he wanted to be with me. I agreed that going slow would be smart because it was too soon for us to know what made one another tick.

My question is, when I hook up in the future, should I:

a) Expect to find someone as interesting as that person finds me to be, moving SLOWLY and asking for his intentions before we get physically involved? Then if/when the emotional climate changes after we get physical, ask him if there is anything – either about my physique or personality – that he finds lacking? Someone who gets to know me as being even-tempered and up-front may be honest with me. This type of honesty would help me to decide if I should radically change my "guy criteria;" or

b) Should I look at my past relationship failures as a sign that perhaps I should purposely set my sights lower in the "looks department"? I have been called attractive often enough, but I don't know how much of that has been "smoke;" or

c) Please do freely advise me as my inclinations could be way off. I'd like to hear male and female perspectives.

I'm 37, and gotta get away from this clueless stuff and face some reality. Sorry so long-winded. Thanks.

Female, age 37, Las Vegas, NV

 

Jimmy, Sistergirl, Miss Kitty, and Vivi answer this question.