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Dear C-Phobe,
You're Not a Player
This is a pretty serious question, and you deserve credit for asking
it. Let me assure you, that if you were a real "player",
then you wouldn't have written in. A player, by nature, is out for
the score and doesn't look back. Sounds like you've got some real
emotion here, and some real regrets – and that's to your credit.
If I read your question right, you're looking for more than just
the hookup. But you don't want to lead the woman on, either, setting
her up for the fall. OK. Something in between, casual, but real.
Playing the Field Is Fine
The first thing, C, is to let yourself off the hook. You don't
have to want to get married now just because you want to get married
someday. And playing the field is fine for men or women. Look at
George Clooney. Here's a guy who has come right out and said that
he loves women, enjoys being in relationships, but doesn't think
he ever wants to marry.
Be Up Front About It
The key here is to know what you want right now, and understand
that as long as you're upfront about it & honest, that's exactly
what you can have.
So you meet a new woman, and you want to be with her and she with
you. But she's been with guys like you before, and she wants to
put it out there that she's up for something serious and make sure
you are, too. The thing here, C, is to shoot from the hip.
Tell it to her like you've told it to us. You've got a warm heart,
and someday want to be serious with the right woman. But for right
now, you're just looking to start at the beginning. Take it relaxed
and easy for a couple of months.
Just be who you are. And, yes, be honest. You don't have to pull
out your past on the first date, and you don't have to turn the
whole thing into therapy.
You Know After a Couple Months to Move On
But it is fair to say that you usually know after a couple of months
if something's going to work out, you have an internal itch that
says "move on". So if she's going to be with you, she
should know up front that you aren't going to make any promises
until you get past that point.
It sounds to me like you've had some "instant relationships"
– women with whom you got serious right from the start. Maybe
that plays for some guys, but it certainly doesn't sound like it
plays for you. Respect who you are, and what you want from romance.
Women Who Run If You Won't Commit Aren't Worth It
And respect the woman you're with enough to lay it out. A woman
who runs from a guy who won't commit unless they've been together
for a while is not a woman worth your pain, C.
Find the women who will take it as you do – and then just
enjoy being with them as it comes.
Maybe that way, you'll end up running after a Ms. Right instead
of always running away from a very nice Ms. Wrong.
– Bella
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