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Dear Louise,
This is a wonderful question. Like most good questions, it has
the same answer: "it depends."
He's Afraid of Commitment
I think that most men are very afraid of commitment. To say "I
love you" implies a commitment to a person that goes much deeper
than "dating." My guess that if he said the L-word in
the past, it's been in the heat of passion, and easily forgotten
in the morning. I would also guess that he's a little scared by
the fact of how well the two of you are getting along. Maybe this
is the REAL THING, and that means committing and who knows what
else??
You Should Know After Four Months
More troubling to me are YOUR feelings. Why do you say you don't
love him? When will you know if you do? I do think that after four
months of intense relating you should know if you have those feelings
for him. Why don't you? Are you afraid of committing, too? Are you
scared that this is the REAL THING?
It's Not Really LOVE
Or, maybe this isn't love after all. Maybe you enjoy your friendship,
you enjoy your intimacy, and it's not really LOVE (in capital letters),
it's like small "l" love.
Afraid the World Is Too Dangerous
Or, maybe it's the September 11 nightmare. What does it mean to
"emotionally clean house" as you said? Is your fear for
the future making you feel scared to make any kind of long-term
commitment? Are you afraid to take risks when the world seems so
dangerous?
My recommendation is to ride this one out. What do you have to
lose? You both are enjoying your time together now, you're still
really young so there are no biological clock worries. So, see what
happens...
Love,
– Charlie
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