Dear Panel,

I am 20 years old, married for almost two years, and recently went back home to finish college (I had a scholarship here and it was too expensive in North Carolina where we lived.)

I have had a history of bad relationships with boys my age (they were either trying to get one thing or playing mind games) so I liked older men. I was raised a religious Catholic and my husband was my first sexual partner.

Eugene is 51, tall, and somewhat attractive. Looks were not the key to me liking him. In the beginning he was everything a man should be – respectful, loving, tender, just the man of my dreams. He is a wonderful sexual partner, but after we got married he became emotionally retarded.

He's Emotionally Retarded

He doesn't drink or socialize with anyone. His favorite pastime is watching TV or fishing. He is extremely cheap and secretive with his money. He is divorced, has a lot of crazy stories from his past, and I can tell he is bitter about most of them.

He doesn't share a lot of things about his life. I guess you can consider him in the category of "the average middle-aged man". He has had a sexual history that I cannot even dream of (especially since he was my first) and the one thing that I cannot stop thinking about is that he had a threesome and got involved with a married woman. I know he is 50 and had a life before me, but it bothers me.

He rushed me to marry him – I think it was because he didn't want me to change my mind. Other than that, he is very kind to strangers and the less fortunate – he always tries to help people out. But one thing is for sure, I don't know if I can trust him. Sometimes he says one thing and does another or sometimes his stories just don't add up.

His Stalker

There was one lady who was a total stalker. She used to follow us around and make harassing phone calls. He said she wanted to be with him, but he said HE NEVER SLEPT WITH HER. Now if that's true or false I don't know, but she is very UGLY so I doubt he did – LOL. Anyway, she did the craziest things – from calling my work to mailing indecent letters and tapes to my family. She really tested our relationship, especially since she was after my blood, but we survived it.

A Complicated Relationship

Our relationship is really complicated. Let's just say when it's good it's really good and when it's bad, IT'S REALLY BAD. I know you must be thinking that there is something wrong with me to get with an older man, but you would have fallen for a guy like him, too. He was romantic and made me feel like a princess.

Now? I really don't know.

He's Secretive About Our Money

He hides all our financial information; when I was working I HAD TO give him every paycheck and didn't see a dime of it. I have no credit cards, and anything I wanted I had to ask him. I couldn't even give him a birthday present because he said he will just buy it himself. He said my paycheck money was going into a secret savings account (but I really don't know if he was telling the truth).

He Doesn't Want To Talk to Me

I haven't met any of his family or friends, and he has met all of mine – even though they hate him. Since I came down here, I used to get 2-3 phone calls a day. Now I get one phone call every four days (it's short and full of "I don't want to talk" conversation). When I try to call him, he admits to seeing my number, but he says he doesn't want to pick it up. He hasn't visited me in over a month and a half. I don't know if he is lying about where he is or not.

His Imaginary Profiles Online

He makes up these imaginary names that I've never seen while I was living with him, which was a year and a half. Now I see him online A LOT. So I look at his Yahoo screennames and profiles on AOL. They say "SINGLE, FIT, ATTRACTIVE" and he even lies about his age – he says he was in his 40's, but he's really 51.

When I confronted him about it, he said that it was a typo and he didn't feel like fixing it. HE REFUSES TO FIX IT! He even ignores me while he is online.

The worst part is that he has some control over me and I melt in his hands.

I Don't Think He's Cheating

I know this sounds really bad, but I don't think he's cheating on me. I mean, he would be stupid to ruin a relationship with a young, attractive, smart, and kind person like me. At least that is what I am trying to convince myself. I have become very insecure and now I can't even sleep. I am depressed but I have to put a smile on my face so I don't worry anyone. I wait by the phone each day, but he never calls.

I've Lost My Dignity

I have to call him. If he's there, it makes me so happy just to hear his voice. I have a lot to offer, but I feel I have lost every ounce of dignity. I have even thought about suicide, but the only thing that is keeping me on this earth is my family and friends who would be so sad. I couldn't do that to them.

Please help me.

Is there a way to fix this marriage?

Is there a way I can trust him?

Am I just being paranoid?

Female, age 20, USA

Lani, Survivor, and Tommy D answer this question.