Dear Apsara:

Time Is Not a Good Reason

The question of whether to bring a baby into your current relationship and situation should honestly be the first question you ask yourself. You mentioned that you feel most girls your age have children for the wrong reasons. My own opinion (and I'm not saying I am right or wrong, it's just how I feel) is that having a baby because it's "your time" is not a good reason either.

Having a child is a HUGE deal. Though this is the 21st century, I still believe in old fashioned morals.

Marriage First

How can she think about marriage when he's not even divorced?

I believe that marriage comes first. I believe that children should be brought into a family when both parents have the emotional and financial abilities to care for that child. Life does not always work out that way, and children are born every day to single parents. The definition of a family has definitely changed over the years...but the fundamentals of one is the same.

Changing Your Life Drastically

I wonder if have you truly considered the more realistic concepts of what a child will do to your life. I see a young woman who says she "loves" her life, and yet is considering changing it in the most drastic of ways. You are only working at a part time job, with numerous other responsibilities in your volunteer work. Where does a child fit in to your current life? How will you feel when you have to start making changes and sacrifices in order to emotionally and financially support your child?

Supporting a Child on Your Own

Even if he stays, she'll have to support a teenager on her own.

And if things were not able to work out with your boyfriend, would you be able to fully support a child on your own? You are not married, it might be helpful to consider the What If's before bringing a child into your life.

Differing Life Experience

I also see a woman with a man twice her age. I have been there. I dated a 37 year old man when I was 20 years old. I loved him and we were compatible in many ways. I do believe that age is relative to the person, but I also believe that the experiences you gain – especially between the ages of 20 and 40 – are enormous and they weigh tremendously on the outcome of a relationship.

You cannot necessarily compare one 21-year-old with another 21-year-old and make a blanket statement that they are two people in the same position in life. But you can definitely compare your twenties to your forties...or for those IN their twenties (I qualify for one more year :)...our twenties to our teens.

True, but these two are at different levels.

Just in that decade alone, there are a million changes and observations and realizations that change who you are, what you believe and how you live your life. I believe a relationship between a 40-something and 20-something CAN work, depending on the two individuals, on their experiences, their relative place in their lives.

An Uncertain Situation

However, you are already questioning whether his place in life is the same as yours. You also imply that you don't trust his promises by questioning the things he has said to you about marriage and children. Why would you consider bringing a child into that uncertainty? You are planning to have a child. Have you really considered why you want a child now, prior to marriage, prior to building a life with the man you love?

If you do decide to leave your boyfriend in search of someone who thinks the way you do, what will be your goal? To find a man to have a baby with, or find a man you can share your life and love with and build a family from that love?

A Baby Symbolizes What You're Missing

Perhaps right now a baby symbolizes something that you aren't getting in your life – try finding out what that is first and then decide if a baby is the right answer.

– Jeannie