Dear Anonymous,

Just as you did, they need marriage counseling.

You're right – your situation is all too common. My husband and I are still coming back from a very similar pattern, since the birth of our one-year-old. We went to a counselor, a really wise and earthy guy, who has been helping us. What I can do is share his advice to us and how it has worked.

Remember the guy who gained the world but lost his soul? Only you and your wife can ultimately decide: how important is it to be married to each other?

Reconnect with Each Other

The first thing our counselor did was make sure that we did a few small things to reconnect emotionally – one of our counselor's points to us was that women need to connect in order to have sex and men often have sex as a way to connect. So we set up ways in which we could open up our feeling of "coupleness", which would set the stage.

Talk for 30 Minutes Each Day

Make a deal: every single day, after the baby goes down, half an hour talking. She gets ten minutes, you get ten minutes, then 5 each to respond. No interruptions, and you can only use "I" statements, with the baby and your job are off limits. And you are not allowed to fight. Table it if you start to "go there" with a word that stops each other cold (our word is PopTart). You'll see it helping almost immediately.

Start Dating Again

Yes. He has to show her he loves her.

Start dating. Get a babysitter and take turns – one of us planned the whole night and surprised the other. Getting the babysitter was tough, but this turned out to be great fun. Absolutely the best – the first time, it was like we were dating all over again. He went outside and rang the doorbell and we went to a restaurant and then a cheap movie and then he made out a little in the car!

One Freebie Each Per Month

Finally, a rule. We each got 1 "freebie" a month, where the other person got to say "I'm really in the mood, so let's do it" and the other person had to go along – even if they weren't in the mood to start – by giving a scenario to make out. The first time, she may be resentful. But she has to agree, to at least make out and try, so she may say – OK, I'll take a shower with you.

Don't Turn the Situation Apocalyptic

Here's the bottom line, Anonymous. The greatest gift you and your wife can give your child in this world is to love each other. Nothing else has the best return like a like an intact, loving marriage from which to grow your family. So instead of thinking "Wow, I can't be celibate the next 20 years" and turning the situation apocolyptic, focus on the small victories.

Work as a Team

My husband asked me to try to open up from my anger and exhaustion in our marriage and to be big enough to put aside my absorption in my day-to-day struggles to see that we were a team, on the same side. I have learned to notice when he goes out of his way to help out with the baby and with the home when he has had to force himself away from the computer.

Don't Expect Instant Success

Best of luck to you, Anonymous. And remember – it has taken you months to get into the situation so don't expect instant woopee factory. Cherish the small moments and victories, and you'll get there.

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