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Dear Anonymous Consultant,
Obviously, this situation is not working for you. And it doesn't
sound like it is working for your wife, either – not if she
is yelling at you when you initiate contact. Although some people
manage platonic relationships, I'm not sure that they are happy,
and it definitely sounds like you are miserable.
It is time for both you and your wife to make a serious commitment
to changing your marriage for the better. I have three ideas for
you.
Give To Each Other
First, start by reading a book that I read recently. It is called
The Five
Love Languages and although it has a religious overtone
(which you can take or leave), it will give you a good working language
to use when talking to your wife about why sex is important to you
in a marriage. One thing it says is that giving someone what they
want in a marriage is like a gift. Think of all of the things that
make you happy, and all of the things that make her happy, and practice
giving gifts to each other every day.
Support Her Changes
Second, let your wife know that you are willing to support her
in any changes she would like to make. Maybe she needs some fulfillment
outside of the home. Maybe she is having physical issues that she
hasn't discussed with you. Whatever it is, treat her kindly and
let her know you love her, support her, and are willing to make
changes to make the marriage work.
Choose Work or Home
Finally (and here some readers may disagree with me), NO ONE CAN
HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY LIFE IF THEY WORK 80 HOURS A WEEK. I'm sorry,
but you have to make a choice here. You are sacrificing your family
life for a future that, let's face it, may or may not materialize
(that is the nature of the future). If there are problems at home,
and you want to fix them, home has to be your priority.
Stop Using Up Your Family
The future is going to happen – there is nothing we can do
to stop it – and while it is important to take steps to build
your wealth, you are using your family up in the process. Stop it.
Yes, you may still continue to have busy weeks. But you have to
learn to say either "no", "not right now", or
"I know someone else who can help you with that".
Your Clients Will Respect You More
I am a consultant myself, and it is hard to learn that this is
OK – your clients respect you more if you respect your boundaries
and theirs. Other consultants appreciate the referrals and reciprocate
in kind. And realistic assessment of deadlines is a skill every
consultant needs to learn.
– Judith
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