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Dear Anonymous Consultant:
Sex Has Become an Obligation
Perhaps your wife feels that sex has become another obligation
for her. If that is the case, it is very easy to understand why
she's not interested.
Your Opportunities Are Distancing You from Her
The baby came and you're both working long hours. You mentioned
that you've noticed some outside opportunities for sex – your
wife probably senses this along with your strong desire to "not
tolerate this pattern" like your father did. You also mention
that you've chatted with female friends about this in the past –
which can also create a distance between you and your wife even
if she doesn't know about it.
She Senses It's Your Dealbreaker
All this adds up to sexual pressure for your wife, and sex just
isn't sounding very sexy to her right now. And she can probably
sense that in the back of your head you're thinking this might be
a deal breaker in your marriage – especially if you've talked
about it a lot. That's a lot of pressure, and it makes sex seem
like a bargaining chip rather than an expression of love.
Make Sex Fun Again
Sex has become a source of conflict and dissatisfaction for you
both, and what you need to do is get back to the place in your marriage
where sex was a fun and intimate way to show affection for one another.
Show Her You Love Her
You might try to pretend like you are wooing your wife all over
again. Send her flowers, compliment her, rub her back – and
do these things when they are not directly associated with wanting
to have sex. Be patient. Women can smell a sex agenda a mile away.
Put away your desire to have sex for a while and just show your
wife how much you love her, sex or no sex.
And when you do have sex, take extra time to make sex a relaxing
and pleasant experience for your wife. Give her a backrub, spend
extra time kissing her. It sounds hokey, but read a book on sex
and maybe try something new out that's focused just on pleasing
her.
Sex Is Like Pizza
I've heard a guy quote once "Sex is like pizza, when it's
good it's great, and when it's bad it's still good." This saying
DOES NOT generally apply to women. When a man is sensitive to that,
and makes an effort to find out what a woman wants, it can go a
long way in sparking her desire.
Women Want Sex When They Feel Loved
I think healthy women feel the most sexy and interested in sex
when they feel loved and comfortable in a relationship, when sex
is a balanced give-and-take of affection and pleasure.
The way back to this state in your marriage is not through pressure
or fights or threats. It's through gentle, steady, unconditional
affection. It sounds like your relationship is a good one at its
foundation, so the effort will be well worth it.
Good Luck!
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