Dear Panel,

I am a 21-year-old black woman and a senior in college. I love to sing (the word "love" isn't strong enough to describe how I feel about music), dance, design clothes, and meet people. Sounds cheesy, but it's true. I'm a textbook Cancer – sensitive (overly so at times), romantic, creative, energetic, spiritual, resourceful, nurturing, and (sadly) manipulative at times. I'm a hard worker, but am trying to learn how to slow my life down (which is darn near impossible). I'm one of those over-achiever/ workaholic types. But I listen to my heart WAY more than my head.

He is 25, a jazz/ blues musician (and an unBELIEVABLE one at that), college graduate, tall, FYNE (yes, "fine" with a "y"), sweet, chivalrous (believe it or not he opens doors for me, pays for my meals, and puts my jacket over my shoulders), a Taurus (read: a bull to the utmost), not of the same race as I (but I don't think that matters in this case), a loner, WONDERFUL with kids, and (the best part) he actually likes me. He's had a rough past year, which he told me before we met. I'm not one to say that he's afraid of a lot of things, but I think he's just trying to find out what he wants. That's where I come in.

How We Met

We met on Halloween this year. We both teach music to kids in our neighboring towns and we met at a music director's meeting. He was the only guy in the room above 4 feet tall, so I instantly liked him. :)

When we first started talking, I gave him a little attitude (okay a LOT of attitude :)), but it was all in fun and within seconds, we had this great chemistry. He was goofy and made me laugh SO hard, and I was swept away by everything about him. And I'd only known him for two hours!

That weekend he came to see me perform with a friend of mine in the city. After the gig, we went back to his place and talked, listened to some music, went out to a 24-hour diner like the ones in Jersey (where we're both originally from coincidentally), and went back to his place. We kissed, cuddled, and then things got really heated. But we didn't have sex – of any kind. We both wanted to though, but in my mind he was worth waiting for, and judging from what I know about "men being dogs," he thinks I'm worth waiting for, too – otherwise we would've slept together (and it would've been GOOOOOOOD, too).

He Put on the Brakes

Good start, I thought. BUT enter the wrench in the works. He says he doesn't want to have a relationship right now. He just wants to hang out and get to know me better. And that would have been fine IF he hadn't already started the romantic/sexual ball rolling.
I'm the queen of analogies, so I'm just going to say it's like we're driving along at about 70 mph and then he just slams on the brakes with me thinking, "What the hell did you do THAT for?!"

Granted, I wasn't sure I wanted a relationship, either. But I thought/ knew he was worth me putting my heart out there again. We've both been hurt recently (he's one of those "my family brought me back from the pit of despair" stories) and weren't really ready to rush into anything. Well, HE wasn't. I apparently bounce back more quickly than he does. We're just moving at different speeds. I'm somewhere between Light Speed and Ludicrous Speed. He's somewhere between molasses and snails.

I Told Him How I Feel about Him

But while he was putting his foot down on the whole "no relationship" thing, I didn't say anything. I just sat there and the words I was thinking TRIED to come out, but they just didn't. And then before Thanksgiving, I just snapped and sent him this huge e-mail (I could't even talk to him face-to-face) telling him how I felt about him, how awesome he is, and how I didn't think I could handle him being in my life after he had gotten my hopes up like he had. If anything, I thought that I'D be the one telling HIM I wasn't ready – not the other way around.

Every guy I've had feelings for has either left me, broke my heart, or both. So now I just kinda want to go through them as fast as I can so I won't invest as much of myself into them. They can't hurt what they can't see, you know? I'd rather establish something concrete and THEN open up, than to test the waters and invest myself in something uncertain. And I know that's my own issue, but I've just handled pain a lot more often than happiness – so I know how to be resilient.

I Don't Believe Him

He said that he'd always be here for me, but after being hurt so much, I really find it impossible to believe him – even though he keeps telling me over and over how he thinks about me all the time and knows that I'm a great, beautiful woman and blah blah blah.

But after some thinking, I realized that I'd rather have him be in my life when I'm not 100% than have see me AFTER all of the hurdles have been jumped. That way I'd know he had seen me at my worst and still wanted me around.

So I called him up and realized how I must have put him through a LOT of my ups and downs in such a short time. And now things are intense and rather uncomfortable for both of us. We're still attracted to each other (PAINFULLY so), we still like each other and have tons of respect for each other's talents and abilities, but all of the drama has gotten in the way of us actually getting to know each other as people.

He Was There When I Was Sick

But this week, I got really REALLY sick and he was there for me. And just seeing him made me feel so much better (even though it felt like my sickly body was about to explode in pain). I just don't know what's going through his head. And I know my laying it on emotionally thick hasn't really helped him figure out how to talk to me.

I think about him all the time (and when I say "all," I do mean ALL). I like him a lot and I think we'd be really good together. And I love who I am when I'm with him and there's no tension– but that's so rare now.

Booty-Call or Forget Him?

I just don't know what to do. Should I give us clean slates and start over? Should I go for the booty-call and just make my goal to be "friends with benefits"? Or should I forget about him altogether?

I know he's not seeing anyone else, but I don't know if it's okay for us to see other people. And honestly, I don't want to. He's the one I want to be with. And I think I've fallen too hard for him already and I can't see what to do next.

We work together, but all of that ends next week and I don't have to see him again unless I want to. We're both really busy people – I'm trying to graduate and he's got a new job and doesn't want to jeopardize that – but I think the whole "I'm busy" excuse gets old. You make time for who you want to make time for, you know? And I want him to know that I'm worth it, but he did hurt me by meeting my expectations of a total gentleman and then turning out to be someone that I can't have (at least right now). And I don't know how to deal with that. I'm totally lost here.

Should I slow down, should he speed up, or should we call it quits?

Female, age 21, San Francisco Bay Area

Luka, Shaggy, and Sasha answer this question.