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Dear Lovestruck,
Good outlook! It seems you have a great guy who wants to work
through things. However, you will need to directly explain your
feelings until his "sensitivity" training is complete.
It will help you to talk through your feelings so that they are
not bottled up. It will help him if he has a clear understanding
of what is really bothering you, not just that you are upset.
Your Ultimatum Didn't Fail
Your ultimatum was "give me your all or we're through"
and he decided to propose. This is a good sign.
Chatting Isn't Always Flirting
Chatting isn't always flirting. When you issued your directive,
he (possibly) heard "quit testing the waters with other girls
and choose me." His answer to you was "you're the one
for
me." Chatting online may simply be a conversation outlet for
him.
There does not necessarily have to be anything illicit or flirtatious
about it. There may be but you haven't proved that to be the case.
When Heather was pregnant with our first child and we had a test
come back with abnormal results on our baby, Brad did a lot of research
to find out all of our options.
One of the places he went was a live chat room at iVillage.com.
There were many women there from whom Brad got a lot of advice.
He often chatted with them when pulling late shifts at work but
that was to pass the time. He was bored and spent hours on the computer.
That had absolutely no impact on one of the best periods of our
marriage.
So, even if we assume that he doesn't think he was doing anything
wrong, you are still left with very real feelings of betrayal and
jealousy. If he truly plans on being with you for the rest of his
life, he needs to participate in your feelings as well.
Ask Questions
Be direct and talk it through. Ask him "Why do you spend hours
online chatting with other people? It makes me jealous and that
bothers me." Use those words and don't beat around the bush
with questions like "Is there something I'm doing that makes
you upset?"
 Talk
Using Direct Facts
Be direct, most men just simply "do not get" indirect
approaches that women naturally understand. "If he loves me,
he'll understand" are ideas that women share with each other.
Men (even those who are head-over-heels in love) really need to
be hit over the head with direct
facts to understand.
You stated that you already talked with him about this and he would
do whatever it takes to work through it. He even offered up to give
up chatting if necessary.
We still get the idea that he might not truly understand what
your feelings are other than you are upset. Assume the best and
directly talk through your feelings until both of you "get
it."
– Brad & Heather
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