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Dear Love,
There are two crucial factors that can make or break any given
relationship:
- Are you right for each other?
- Is the time right for the relationship?
The way I see it, there are a few potential--but not necesarily
insurmountable--obstacles standing in the way of any possible relationship
between you and Joey.
First, Is He Right For You?
The first thing you must consider is whether or not Joey is right
for you.
He sounds like a guy who, however reformed, is still carrying a
lot of baggage. He may say he is reformed, but is he in practice?
Time Will Tell If He's Truly Reformed
He's in jail partly because he's a habitual offender. What evidence
do you have that he's truly broken the habit? That's a judgment
call that has to be made, and I think it's a determination that
requires more from him than words expressing his regret. It must
also be based upon action.
Therefore, it's a determination that may not attainable for another
12 years, until he is released.
Is He The Right Father Figure For The Children?
Another issue is the fact that you're a mother of three young
children. As their parent, you must also consider the impact that
having an inmate for a fiancee will have upon them. What message
does this send to them? How do they feel about him and the decisions
he's made in his life? And most importantly, would he be a good
father figure for them?
Abuse Is A Pattern
It is established fact that children who were abused
often go on to abuse others as adults. This may not be an issue
for your kids, who would likely be close to college when Joey is
released, but do you know for certain that he wouldn't be abusive
towards you?
He's Surrounded By Men
Another thing to consider is the context in which his professed
feelings exist. He's in jail, surrounded by nothing but other inmates,
all men. You may be one of the few members of the opposite sex he
sees at all, and you show him attention. It would be wise to pause
and think, "if this guy were on the outside, would he fall
in love with me?"
I say this because if his love is a product of his situation,
his love may change when he is released, and his situation
changes.
Can You Wait 12 Years?
So, let's say you consider all that, and you've come to the
determination that he really is the guy for you; the second point
to consider is whether or not the timing is right. He will be incarcerated
for another 12 years, until you're 38. That's a long time to wait
for a guy who might not be a sure thing.
Visit Him, But Keep Dating Others
My gut reaction is that you should utilize the freedom he's
unselfishly offered, and get out there and live your life.
Continue to visit him and write him, but don't wait around for
him. Meet people and date them, and feel free to love. If Joey is
truly the one for you, then you'll both be there when he is free.
Until then, don't be a prisoner of love.
– Shaggy
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