Dear Michael,

Well, this is bothering me on a lot of levels. I am not going to give you a lecture about adultery. I'm sure you know how damaging this has the potential to be for your wife, but have you thought about what it is doing to your credibility with your extramarital affair?

How Could You Ever Trust Each Other?

I never understand how people who enter into this kind of thing can ever really trust each other. By definition you are putting your own needs ahead of someone you have promised to honor for the rest of your life.

By definition, you are looking at that person and lying to their face, every single day. That doesn't exactly make either one of you an attractive choice, does it?

This is what is affecting your lover's ability to be sure about how you really feel about her. And you start off by saying that you love each other, then one sentence later you say that you don't know her true feelings. Obviously you are feeling the conflict as well.

Why Can't You Leave Your Wife?

Yeah, I noticed this mixed message too.

I have some questions that you need to consider. Why is leaving your wife contingent upon being with your lover?

It seems to me that is if you are so unhappy with your wife that you are willing to hurt her this way, you should be ready to leave her, no matter what happens with the lover. Then at least you can have honor and self-respect.

You're Afraid of Being Alone

If your lover will not be with you, will you stay with your wife? If this is the case, you also need to think about why you would rather stay in a miserable situation than be alone for a time.

End Your Marriage, Or Your Affair

You need to put your energy into your marriage, either working it out (without extramarital affairs), or ending it.

Try Communication

Either way you should try harder to communicate with your wife, even when it's unpleasant. Otherwise, you will continue to repeat this over and over, with your current wife, or your future relationships.

Good Luck,

– Patra