Dear Asok,

This IS a really tough question to answer. It leaves me with a lot of questions. Is rape the only thing that arouses you? Is it part of a repertoire of fantasies? Do you have an active sex life with someone you care about or otherwise that "plays out" relatively normally?

Do you have good self-control? Do you hang out with a crowd that generally respects women, and have you learned to respect women from being in and observing respectful, healthy relationships? Have you had any unusual stressors in your life lately (maybe, at 19, your first year of college or out on your own or some similar life change)?

Generally, Fantasies Are Fine

The reason I ask all these questions is because I have a general philosophy that fantasies are just fine.

You'd be suprised. I think every young man feels this way at some point.

But as a woman, the idea that a man I might know or run into on the street fantasizes about rape does scare me. So I want to know the context and more about what is going on in your life.

I've Had Horrible Fantasies

My first job out of college was very difficult for me. I worked with abused children and their birth and foster families. I had dreams about all the kids I worked with at night and worried constantly about them.

When I would get home from work each day I couldn't hold a normal conversation for at least a couple of hours, and I began to think all families were screwed up (my own personal experiences aside!)

The weird thing was, I started to get angry at the smallest little slights and inconveniences, like someone being rude to me at the grocery store. And every once in a while a little fantasy would pop up in my head of something horribly violent.

Getting Rid Of Stress Can Help Stop This

One time I imagined stabbing a pencil through someone's hand. I'm not proud of it, but I didn't consciously bid the image to my mind, and looking back I can understand where it was coming from - the stress and emotional strain I was under and the inability to see the world as a basically good (or at least neutral) place rather than evil.

When I left that job, I still had stress, but of a much more manageable kind and interspersed with a lot more good times, and the fantasies went away.

I don't know if this is a similar case for you. I was able to talk to my husband (then my boyfriend) about what was going on and he didn't make me feel ashamed, but did tell me I needed to calm down and find ways to de-stress (by the way, I wasn't the greatest girlfriend at this time, either!)

Can You Talk About It?

Do you have someone you can talk to that will give you some objective opinions? Do you feel comfortable with the context of your life (stress, family, friends, other relationships) and its ability to help you through stressful/bad/weird times in your life?

I've asked lots of questions and probably haven't given a very good answer, but I hope this helps you think a little more about what is going on.

Get Professional Help

Right. In fact, he needs to see a specialist in Sexual Dysfunction.

If you feel truly frightened of your mental health and/or ability to control impulses, you are going to need professional help rather than an advice column.

If you feel more confident about yourself and surroundings, you might be fine just talking with people and working through whatever is going on. Sorry that I can't help more, but I hope this is a start for you.

– Judith