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Dear She Who Never Learns,
I think calling yourself "She who never learns" is being
really hard on yourself! You sound like a very bright and perceptive
person. I am going to say exactly what you think I'm going to say
-- you're going to need to kick this relationship down a notch.
You're Developing Intimacy
Basically, what you are developing with Jerry is intimacy, the
huge red flag for me is the part about quick discussions throughout
the day. I think that is what is setting off those feelings of the
relationship being inappropriate, because, frankly, it is.
Some people may disagree with me because you haven't crossed any
lines, and that is true, at least, you haven't crossed any *physical*
lines. But really the emotional lines are much more fuzzy, and much
more hurtful when they are crossed.
The good part about this situation is that you are not kidding
yourself about the path it is going down. Plenty of people cling
to the "we're just friends" line so they can wallow in
their denial and enjoy the sparks of being with the other person.
It is great that you have recognized that:
- This relationship is heading down a certain path.
- You do not want to go down this path with a married man.
Now what to do to find balance -- this is going to be tricky, I
agree. In some ways it is more tricky than if he had made a move
on you. Then at least that would be concrete evidence and something
to act on.
You need to remember that your intuition is just as valid as anything
more "concrete."
A Heart-To-Heart Talk Is Not Appropriate
I don't think a heart-to-heart with Jerry would be appropriate
because he will probably act shocked and explain that you are just
really good friends. (See the "wallow in denial" paragraph
above.)
Distance Yourself From Him
For this reason, I would start distancing myself in more subtle
ways. For example, if he asks to have lunch, "Sure! Let's see
if Pete and Jen from Marketing would like to come along." Or
whatever.
I would also change my workout schedule. Start going in the morning
or after work, whatever is the opposite of what you do now.
It is going to be hard for a while because obviously you really
like him as a person. But that doesn't mean that it isn't the right
thing to do. (I think you know it is.)
Find Other Ways To Have Intimacy
This also brings me to something else. I am a little concerned
that you are meeting your needs for intimacy through this guy. This
says to me that you have some holes in your life that you need to
fill. I could be way off on this, but usually if someone has a great
life with lots of satisfying friendships and interests then this
kind of thing doesn't happen.
I also think you should consider whether establishing an intimacy
with this guy was somehow "safer" because he is unavailable.
It's probably good to take a look at these things.
Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.
– Gillian
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