A Reader Responds:
Bull Hooey! (Perspectives from an EX-Flirt)...
We can't go to the store and buy a box of romance, or love
or trust. One originates a thought and then decides whether
to dismiss it or carry it out.
Internet Flirting Does Have Meaning
To me, the act of typing out and sharing with others online
romantic and sexual flirtations is very real. And it signifies
REAL feelings that need to be examined: What need(s) are
being fulfilled by sharing online? Lack of communication
in current relationship? Are her romantic/sexual needs not
being heard/respected/met? Is the relationship stale and
she needs some fun and excitement in her life?
The main reason I flirted was that I lacked self-worth
and sought continuous validation from outside sources rather
than within myself.
Why Was She So Stressed Out?
Sounds like the relationship was going OK until she became
"stressed by work." Perhaps online flirting is
an escape method for her. Why is work so stressful? Is work
the true source of her stress? What can be done about it
that doesn't necessarily have to include the boyfriend,
but at the same time maintains respect for him and their
relationship?
My bottom-line cut-to-the-chase opinion: It's been two
years! Where is this relationship going? She's feeling stuck
in a rut and you're losing her, dude!
She loves you, has been and wants to remain faithful (i.e.,
online romance isn't "real" therefore safe) and
she understands that you've been hurt before and doesn't
want to risk losing you by pushing for a deeper level of
commitment.
It's been 10-12 years since that dreadful, wicked wench
of the past maimed you and I see today alot of introspection
and maturity in you. I'm not overly concerned about this
jealousy thing because rather than becoming reactive, you
tried to talk with her about it.
The intensity that you degrade yourself by feeling the
emotion "jealousy" actually has me a little concerned,
but here's my take on that: You rightly sensed that something
was amiss between the two of you. You didn't want to accuse
or blame her for this recent distancing and seeing how much
time she spent on the net, logic suggested that perhaps
the source of her distancing was rooted there.
You Shouldn't Have Monitored Her
Upon finding the first "evidence" you should
have talked with her about your relationship concerns. While
I disagree with your choice to further monitor her activities,
I can relate to the insecurities, past hurts, distrust of
your own senses and the fears of losing/hurting her and
your relationship.
I think all of these thoughts and emotions, plus probably
more, felt overwhelming and for sanity's sake you lumped
them under the label of "jealousy."
Distrusting your own perception of what "reality"
was presenting, you sought to further confirm by enlisting
another source of information--oops.
Next time, trust your gut and talk it out.
– LeLu
Female, age 40, USA
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