| Dear Mary,
Is it possible to marry Tom and have a wonderful fabulous life?
Yes, it certainly sounds like it. Should you, Mary, attempt it?
Not if it means you will feel, from day one, like there is something
missing. This is the rest of your life we are talking about. The
only family your child will know.
Don't Be Pressured Into Marriage
Don't let anyone ever pressure you (not even your own biological
clock) into a marriage that has less than your whole heart and your
whole commitment.
If your first love came through the door tomorrow and fell to his
knees and said "come away with me, I have been thinking of
you for 15 years and I can't go another day without you..."
would you go? Be honest.
Obviously the thought of Jeff still fascinates you to the extent
that you know what he's doing despite the fact that you haven't
seen him since you were a girl, half your lifetime ago.
No one can offer you any advice that will erase that yearning you
have for the love you and Jeff had as teenagers. I can talk about
young love, and crushes. About falling in love. About how rare it
is to have a good relationship like you say you have with Tom.
Or how sometimes people use the past to deter a future they don't
want. Or how the greatest gift you can give a child is for its parents
to love each other - and how feeling like you sacrificed "soul
mate" in order to have a child will well and truly guarantee
the failure of your marriage. This is all true, but I doubt it will
make any impression.
You Don't Want To Marry Him
Mary - if you only listen to one sage piece of wisdom, then listen
to your own. You wrote: "When I think of walking down
the aisle to him, I feel stressed and sad".
Marriage should only be entered into because the alternative is
no longer acceptable. If marrying Tom isn't your heart's greatest
desire then marrying Tom is not the right answer.
Somehow, you need to find the strength to bear your own convictions.
You've been looking for that "Jeff" feeling. And you don't
have it with Tom.
 Time
To Make A Choice
Mary it's time to either start working on your heart - discerning
if you are using your memories of a teenage relationship as your
pattern for love (which would mean spending some time working on
that and letting it go, defining what "in love" is to
you as an adult, perhaps ultimately discovering that Tom is your
soul mate).
Or if what you have with Tom just isn't enough to inspire the final
love affair of your life (which would mean being honest with Tom
and deciding if staying in a relationship that isn't leading to
marriage and family is what you both want).
Either way, there are no easy answers and whatever your choice,
you have some really hard work ahead of you. But you are honest,
and self-aware, and committed to finding the right answer for your
own life.
I wish you great luck. And please remember: never NEVER "settle
for less" in marriage.
– Bella
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