Hi Mary,

You're under a lot of stress because you want to get married because you want to have a family and (I'm assuming) you want to move on in life, emotionally speaking to that next stage (which normally comes with a family). You like/love Tom, dearly, but remain a little ambivalent about marrying him. What do you do?

First of all, give yourself a break. I really know how you feel, and can tell you that simply saying this will not help. But if you continue to place so much pressure on yourself it's eventually going to catch up with you and you will not know how to cope.

It May Not Have Worked Out With Jeff

I think you're still haunted by Jeff. I've chosen my words carefully, because you must ask yourself why it is that being a successful woman aged 31, you look back at the period spent with Jeff (aged 16), with regret?

I do not maintain that you were 16 and naïve, I know that you were mature and the relationship that you had with Jeff was serious and real, emotionally speaking.

All I can tell you is that I look back upon that period of my life and know that we were two people who emotionally were completely on the same wavelength and shared an intimacy that was real and honest, but (and I'm not deluding myself here) I just know that it would not have worked out.

What I mean is that I've changed so much over these years that I know that I can consider her a very dear person in my life but not the one I would want to share my life with. I wish I could articulate it some more, but that's how I feel, and that's what's given me the distance in keeping that period in my past.

Call Jeff To Get Closure

That won't help. She should just forget about Jeff.

Thinking out loud I would suggest you call Jeff some time and speak to him. I can't tell you what to say. I think you will know. You have to quell the ghost. I think that this prevents you from finding your soul mate.

Think About Why You're With Tom

The second is best conveyed by a question. If you know that Tom is not your soul mate, then why are you with him? Security may be an answer, but relationships are rarely so clearly cut. I think you genuinely like him (which is obvious), there is some security in the fact that he is always there for you.

To answer your question, you need to quell the ghost and look at Tom in this new light. This may take some time.

I agree. She shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons.

I would ask you to postpone your desire to get married for a while, perhaps a nine months to a year. It's at this point I would ask you to have some perspective, you're ONLY 31. You have time, but you must use it carefully and settle the things that have been haunting you, and decide whether Tom is the one for you.

I wish I could help you more because I really do understand what it is that you feel. I know that our pasts affect our lives, frequently in subtle ways such as the feelings you have for Jeff (which Tom can't really compete against). You really need to come to terms with the past and be true to yourself and give Tom a chance.

– Luka