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Dear Mary,
You have a classic case of chronic "What If" syndrome.
You look at your past and think "what if I hadn't turned Jeff
down when he came back to me?" You look ahead and you think
"what if Tom isn't my soul mate and I'm making a big life-altering
and irreversible mistake by marrying him?"
Forget About Jeff
Before we talk about Tom, let's address the issue of your lost
soul-mate, Jeff. My advice to you regarding Jeff is this: file Jeff
away in your memory as a sweet and innocent high school romance.
Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not sure how much time you spend
thinking about Jeff, but the fact that he's being mentioned in the
context of your current relationship, even though you haven't seen
him in 15 years, seems like a stumbling block for you in figuring
out your present situation.
Why is getting married such a big source of stress for you?
You're Afraid Of Commitment
Possibility 1: You're afraid of commitment. Perhaps you know that
Tom might make a spectacular mate; that he might make you happy.
But something scares you about taking the next step to find out.
You might want to look at your parent's relationship, or any other
factors that might cause you to be a little cautious about making
a life long commitment.
Maybe you dread the possibility of picking up his dirty socks for
the next forty years, or you fear that that he'll end up abandoning
you for his workbench in the basement, or he'll cheat, or he'll
be boring and dull.
The best advice is to voice your fears in a non-threatening way,
talk about it with Tom, He might have some fears of his own about
you. When you hear
how silly his fears are (of course you're not going to become an
oppressive neat-freak like your mother, right?) it may make the
fears you have about him less threatening.
You Don't Love Tom
Possibility 2: You don't love Tom. This is a difficult thing to
face, and also a difficult thing to figure out. No one handed out
a handbook on the ways of the heart and said "You know you're
in love when you feel X, Y, and Z." All we do is talk and read
a lot about it, and worst of all we watch movies about it, and still
we're left in a quandary when it comes to defining love.
You Don't Want To Get Married
Possibility 3: You don't really want to be married. Everyone is
so worried about when and whom they will marry, and no one ever
asks: Do I Want to Be Married? Marriage is not for everyone, possibly
not even for anyone. I'm not a social scientist, so I won't go into
the reasons why marriage exists, but it can't hurt for you to look
at the prospect of marriage itself and figure out if it's something
that suits you as an individual at this point in your life.
You're Insecure
Then there is always Possibility 4: You're insecure, or some other
unsettled emotional factor is causing you to reject Tom--a perfectly
good mate whom you love--even though you really want to be married
right now. Often people will dump perfectly good partners because
they no longer feel adequately propped up by them.
In your situation Mary, I think the high school sweetheart is just
a distraction you've come up with to avoid figuring out if you and
Tom are IT. It sounds like you're busy and stressed. You need some
time on your own, maybe just a day or half a day if that's all you
can manage, and just think about all the possibilities we've mentioned.
The keys are putting the past behind you, getting realistic about
adult love-relationships, and getting honest with yourself about
your feelings and your happiness.
But no matter what, don't go forward with marriage if it makes
you feel miserable or stressed! There's nothing wrong with waiting,
you never know what might happen in the course of just one year
even, that might make things look different.
Best of luck to you!
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