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Dear Trisha,
First of all, I would say that you seem to have a pretty strong
handle on your needs and your boundaries. Based on the fact that
you are seeking help through therapy to deal with your issues, I
would say that you are doing everything you can to move forward
with your life in a healthy manner. This is definitely something
to be proud of within yourself.
There Might Be Something Deeper
You've obviously spoken to him about this issue and gotten a response
that it bothers him and makes him feel like his space is being invaded.
Have you asked him why that is? You said that your boyfriend is
supportive in many ways. Is he an open communicator? Does he willingly
express his feelings about things, or just take a stance and leave
it at that?
Often times I have found when someone takes a stance in
anger, as he seems to be doing with this, there is usually an underlying
issue that they may not be willing to address. Where is the anger
coming from?
For him to be angered at your need in the middle of the night suggests
that you might be triggering something else for him. Anger is a
pretty strong reaction, and one that would seem -- at first glance
-- an inappropriate one. There may be something else going on with
him that could justify this response and explain to you why he feels
this way. If he responds to you in reaction (in anger and resentment)
when bringing this up, it's likely there is another issue beneath
it.
He Feels Helpless
A lot of times I've noticed guys have a difficult time contributing
in situations where they feel helpless. Even if you tell them how
to help you, they often cannot find the ability in themselves to
get past their own emotion about how much you are hurting.
What I was told once by a guy is that it can be really difficult
for him to watch a woman he loves going through something, and ultimately
feel that he can't fix it..
He's Being Selfish
Often times when dealing with someone who is used to putting their
own needs first (such as an only child) it can be difficult to get
them to unconditionally give their support when their needs aren't
being met at that time.
Have you talked about a compromise? I'm just throwing out possibilities
about why he might be reacting to you in such a manner, but I would
imagine there is a reason. If you can find the reason, then you
should be able to find a compromise.
Have you two talked about finding a way that you can get what you
need from him and he can still feel that he's retaining his own
space? If you cannot even get him to openly talk with you about
this and consider your needs as well as his own, you might have
a bigger issue than you think.
Good Luck,
– Jeannie
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