| Dear Trisha,
You're right: helping out those for whom you care deeply in their
time of need is indeed a no-brainer, and I think you have every
right to be upset about your current boyfriend's unwillingness to
offer his support in your desperate time of need.
However, before I reflexively chastise your boyfriend, I sincerely
hope that you've taken the opportunity to talk together about these
panic attacks, and their origins. After all, he may simply be uninformed
and scared about these attacks, and he may see shutting you out
during these episodes as a way of ignoring the problem.
You're A Needy Person
Another possibility is that you may be (and I cannot tell from
your brief description) a very needy individual, and he sees these
episodes of times of unreasonably excessive need. The only reason
I say this is because you've only been together for 10 months, and
if these attacks only happen a 1-2 times a month, and he's already
gotten tired of these episodes, then it sounds like you started
living or at least spending every night together fairly early on
in your relationship.
That is often a hallmark of "needy" relationships. What
your boyfriend must understand is the horrible repercussions of
having sustained abuse as a child. It's during your childhood that
one develops ideas such as trust and security, as well as identity.
Abuse severely disrupts these crucial developmental processes,
not to mention, the stress of such abuse can lead to long-term post-traumatic
stress. That you have panic attacks as an adult is hardly surprising,
given your description of your past.
He Should Know You Can't Control The Attacks
Second, he must understand that you do not choose to have these
panic attacks, and that you're in therapy to try to reign these
problems in. However, dealing with psychological problems is a team
approach, and he is an important part of that team.
Talk To Him
In relationships, we must take the good with the bad, and you deserve
more than a fair-weather boyfriend.
Talk with him during the day and make sure he understands what
you're going through. You might even ask him to join you in therapy,
so that he may become more comfortable with aiding in your healing
process.
If he is unwilling to help, then let him go, because the last thing
you need is for someone you care about to abandon you in a time
of need. Regardless of what becomes of the two of you, I urge you
to stay with therapy, as these are not issues that can be dealt
with on your own.
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