Dear Torn,

I am struck by the feeling that something is missing in your account. Your husband acts, and you react, and his behavior as you describe it sounds irrational, like it comes out of the blue and has no basis in reality. But conflict in a relationship that has lasted as long as yours must have a more complex origin and history than the simplistic terms you use to describe it.

Do You Communicate With Your Husband?

Already that makes me wonder: Why would she describe her husband in this way, apparently without any insight into why he is acting this way? Do you ever talk with him? Have you ever asked him exactly what bothers him and then tried to reassure him?

You have known your husband for most of your adult life. You would have noticed by now if he were the "jealous type" he would have found dozens of reasons and occasions to act suspicious in the past. The fact that he acts that way now, to the point of panic (going "ballistic", suggests that you are giving him some new cause for fear.

That's because this is about HIM, not her.

So what is your role in this? You don't give a clue. You put the focus of the problem entirely on your husband, without mentioning anything about why this friendship would set him off more than any encounter you could have had with other men.

He May Have A Problem With The Way You Presented The Friendship

Exactly what kind of relationship do you have with your friend? Maybe it is not romantic or sexual, but you don't say anything about what it is. Do you share a part of yourself with him that you don't or can't with your husband? Have you told him that? Maybe it's not the friendship itself, but something about the way you have presented it -- or not -- that has set off an alarm, especially if you have had this friendship for 30 years already.

This Is A Symptom, Not The Real Problem

It sounds to me like something else is going on in your marriage that you are ignoring or not admitting, focusing instead on a symptom -- his jealousy -- to avoid taking responsibility for your own part in the problem. Your role, as you describe it, has been flawless.

You have understood, agreed, would never want to jeopardize your marriage or abandon your friends. Your husband is the one who is acting crazy, apparently for no reason. Yet you begin by describing your marriage as a wonderful, open relationship, while your husband is tearing out his hair with worry and jealousy. Who are you trying to convince?

If your openness, sincerity, self-awareness and self-disclosure are at the same level with him as shown by your question, I would be worried too.

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